as I walk

the journey to becoming me

CTRL ALT DEL

It has been (very lovingly) brought to my attention that I have been doing a great job at giving over to God the big areas of my life- hurt, forgiveness, sexuality, insecurities, etc; yet have been holding onto one particular area which doesn’t leave much room for God to do His thing.  

Growing up, we moved around.  LOTS.  We moved just about every summer.  When mentioning the different states I’ve lived in, the question almost always arises “Oh, were your parents in the military?”.  Nope.  My dad changed jobs, to quote my sister, “like people change underwear”.  I don’t really know why.  Our family wasn’t big into talking or family meetings.  He never said why, I never asked.  I do know though, that we never had much money.  I know that bill collectors called frequently.  I know that we made just a hair too much to qualify for food stamps.  I know that we couldn’t have string cheese as a snack because it cost too much.  

That has definitely affected my relationship with jobs and finances.  I’ve worked 3 jobs at one time because I did NOT want to have to go without.  I did not want bill collectors calling.  I did not want to have to become my father.  I’ve also made terrible financial decisions, gotten laid off, taken bad jobs, and have had to go without and have bill collectors calling me.  

So this brings me to my current state of… complete misery at work.  I have been so terrified that I won’t be able to provide for myself, that I refuse to relinquish control to God when it comes to a job.  I keep doing it my way- working my way up to #2, the right hand of my boss, the go-to person, the favorite, etc and then burning out.  I look back on my past jobs and think about how much I loved working at Goodyear- that it was my dream job.  I think back to Gloria Jeans and how much I loved it and would give anything to work there again.  Then Brenna smacked me upside the head and reminded me that I loved the people that I worked with at Gloria Jeans and loved being mentored by Kathleen, but that I wasn’t fulfilled there- that’s why I went to college.  She reminded me of all the crazy stress I was under at Goodyear and how I knew it would never be a “career” for me.  Some people say hindsight is 20/20.  I say it’s rose colored glasses.  

I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I’ve been asked what I REALLY want to do for a job.  My only answer is anything that pays my bills and has Sundays off.  Maybe I actually NEED to have a direction, a plan… For so long I’ve assumed that I’ll go to North Korea and then die there (seriously)- so why bother having an actual career?  Just do something to pay off my debt and then go die in NK.  God’s been challenging that view on what He has in store for me.  I very well may be captured and killed there,  I may die of old age there, OR I may go there every year as a “tourist”- and if I’m a tourist going to NK every year, I better have a crazy awesome job!  

So I guess the question I need to ask myself is- “what do I want to be when I grow up?”  When I was in high school, it was a history teacher who wrote during the summers or a psychologist (of course never have filling out a college application… those ideas went out the window).  When I became a Christian, it was youth pastor.  Then I felt God was directing me to go to school for automotive (which I still believe He said to do)- so I assumed I was to be a mechanic.  Too bad I kinda sucked at it.  Then I got into the automotive repair management scene… that worked out okay… until I got laid off.  I was so scared I couldn’t pay rent that I took the first job offered and worked at a parts store.  I’ve been stuck in the rut since.  Now a question that comes to mind is- just because He wanted me to go to school for automotive… does that mean that I’m supposed to make a career out of it?  

So pause with me here as I do a bit of brainstorming- I love teenagers.  I love bacon.  I don’t love slaughtering pigs to make bacon though.  I love Koreans.  I love learning.  I love thinking.  I love music.  I love fixing things.  I don’t love (or even like) getting dressed up.  I don’t love working with cranky prejudiced old men.  I love feeling productive.  
I wonder if there’s a job out there that would meet a few of these love/not loves.  

Whatever the case may be… I’m going to officially surrender control to God.  He is my Provider.  He has been keeping watch over me even before I was born.  He will provide.  He will sustain.  I think I’m finally tired of doing it my way.  I don’t know the big picture.  I don’t know how He’ll use me to reach people- but God does.  So just as I’ve had to hold down ctrl alt del many times on my work computer to reboot it, I’m going to relinquish that control so God can reboot me job wise.  Even if it’s just to make me slightly less miserable at work tomorrow… I’m okay with it.

* Special thanks to Brenna and Kareen for letting me vent, being angry with me, and then hearing from God on what HIS thoughts are.  

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