as I walk

the journey to becoming me

screaming and then silence

So, yesterday was the first time that I’ve heard Kati preach and NOT be destroyed aka be challenged to do some crazy hard thing.  It was nice to be able to hang out after the service for a bit and chat with a friend.  I went home afterwards and turned on some music, cooked, cleaned, and then finished up a data entry project.  

Something though just wasn’t feeling right.  Really hasn’t felt right since Saturday around noon.  Work really sucked on Saturday.  I mean, the actual job of it- that was fine.  In fact, I had my best sales day ever and doubled the sales of the other 2 sales guys… combined.  But emotionally, oh that’s another story.  My workplace by far has the most drama of anywhere that I’ve ever worked before.  I’ve worked with all women, all teenagers, all men, mixed genders, different ethnicities… but this job… wow… drama!  Saturday, I got sucked into it.  I tried to stay out of it… but… I couldn’t (legally).  One guy (we’ll call him Kenny) got a haircut (which he totally needed).  Another guy (we’ll call him Grumpy) saw Kenny’s haircut and said “Now all you need are some earings and you can be a real faggot.”  Okay. So, not only is that rude and hurtful, that’s illegal.  Kenny came up to me and was upset about it.  He’s a good sport and gets picked on all the time, but I could tell this was more than he could handle.  So, I pulled Grumpy aside (man I love his new name) and started off by giving him some grace- asking if he was okay because he seemed a little (more) grumpy (than usual).  He told me to stay out of his business swore at me etc.  I told him that when he used the “f” word that it became my business and that he can’t say things like that- that it is 100% inappropriate – especially in the workplace.  

There, taken care of.  I thought that I handled it well, and even though it sucked, I was rather proud of myself.  I had to go to the backroom to grab something and I overheard Grumpy telling another driver that the reason I defended Kenny was because I was a “tomboy” and “you know what that means”.  It was in a tone that cut me.  Whatever, he’s grumpy and miserable, and it must suck to be him.  Fine.  Move on.  I go back up front and a sales guy was saying the same thing.  I had told them a couple hours previously how I broke my finger playing football and needed surgery- and this guy said “What’s she doing playing football- she’s a girl.  it’s that “tomboy” thing- she’s single and works in a parts store- you know what that means”.  I was done for the day.  I didn’t talk to anyone except Kenny the rest of the day.  I tried to be pleasant, but what’s the use?  They’re just gonna talk crap.  Maybe if this weren’t something that hits so close to home, I’d have been fine.  But this is something that’s very raw right now and I’m not fine with it.  

I thought Saturday night, I’ll sleep in, go to the gym, and Greenhouse, then I’ll feel better.  I woke up… still had that nagging raw hurt.  Went to the gym, pushed past (not through) all that junk to go 30 miles.  Went to Greenhouse… and here I am Monday morning… still feeling it.  So back to my first paragraph.  Maybe I chose to not take in the message because I don’t want to forgive these guys.  Oh yeah, the sermon was on “Father, forgive them.”  I do get a little bit of satisfaction in wallowing in that hurt and unforgiveness.  It’s sick… but it’s honest.  I’ve felt freedom though- freedom feels better than that hint of satisfaction.  If I can forgive and actually pray blessings for the people that caused me so much pain when I was in highschool… I should be able to forgive this.  There definitely is something wrong with me, because I keep going back to Llamas With Hats (part 2).  Check it out on youtube- super funny.  But in this one Carl (a sociopathic llama who goes on murderous rampages all while wearing a hat- seriously way more funny than my description) blew up a cruise ship and is talking with his friend (why they’re still friends, I do not know) about said incident.  
Carl: “Shhhhh Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of forgiveness.”  
Friend: “That’s the sound of people drowning.”  
Carl: “That is what forgivness sounds like, screaming and then silence.”  

If this sociopathic murderous llama who wears a hat wants forgiveness… then I suppose Grumpy and Other Guy would too.  I would also venture to say that I may need it more than they do.  After all… I am “them”.  I’m in need of forgiveness.  I picked up the offense and got mad at them for making me do so.  Nope.  I could have dealt with it then and there.  I chose to pick it up like a security blanket.  I don’t need to defend myself to my co-workers.  I did what was right for Kenny.  So, Father, forgive ME for the times that I’ve hurt others by what I’ve said.  Forgive ME for judging others.  Forgive ME for holding on to hurt and not being quick to forgive others.  Father, help me to “think no more of” these words that were said.  Exonerate these guys.  Release them from the prison that I put them in.  Father, bless them.  Whatever it is that’s making Grumpy so miserable, show me so I can better pray for him.  Reveal yourself to Other Guy- may he finally decide to follow You.  

Carl was right- silence.  

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One thought on “screaming and then silence

  1. You have a gift to write Marissa! I can see this blog becoming a book some day. I think a devotional of sorts…Awesome writing and so blessed by what God is doing in your life!

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