as I walk

the journey to becoming me

now

I had something completely different that I was going to write about tonight but I think I’ll do that one later..

I went to The Well tonight.  It was great to be able to get an intimate time of worship (hah, that’s funny, I used the word intimate in a positive way when I’m still not a big fan of intimacy).  I’m singing along doing my thing… and made the mistake of actually focusing on the lyrics I was singing.  I realized that I didn’t mean them.  So I figured I should probably pray about this and being in church, seemed like just as good of a time/place as any.  I started talking to God about why I feel as if I haven’t given Him my whole heart.  I started rambling on about FEAR.  Fear that my dreams and plans would no longer be mine and that I won’t be able to go to NK (which is ridiculous, because HE is the ONLY reason that I want to do that).  Fear that I’ll change so much that I won’t be me (would that really be THAT bad?).  Fear that I’ll lose those parts of me that I actually like.  Fear that if I give Him everything, that I’ll be left with nothing.  

He cut me off.  He totally interrupted me and basically said that was all bogus.  That I was being fake- and He pointed to the real issue (that I’ve been trying really hard to ignore/hide/pretend it’s all good for the past couple weeks).  What do you do when God is standing (He could have been sitting, floating, I don’t really know) there waiting for a response from calling you out?  Well… I tried to say that I’d deal with it later.  I gave several possible options of dealing with it (later).  I even offered up the idea of therapy (that I’d do later).  Yeah, He wasn’t too into my ideas.  So, if He didn’t want later, what the heck did He want?  Oh… now.  Fine.  My plan (which was brilliant and water tight) was to spew all the junk about that particular issue out on Him to prove that it’s not a quick easy fix and that later was a far better option.  (I’m guessing you have an idea of where this is going)

So I did my traditional word vomit (and I’m pretty sure I had a smirk on my face because I KNEW I would be right in this situation).  Then God… He… fixed it.  WHAT???  Yeah.  Just like that.  He showed me 2 things about this issue.  The first was an explanation and a point of view shift.  The second was a bit of a warning.  In the matter of 5 minutes He took me from word vomit to resolution.  He took that broken piece and transformed it into something healthy.  I really didn’t think that would be possible.  Why I didn’t think it could be done, I don’t know.  I mean, God set me free from cutting, post traumatic stress, social anxiety disorder, and bi-polar (and their accompanying meds) in one night.  Ahh, but that’s a topic for another time (perhaps later).  

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