Tonight someone prayed for me- and it really messed with my brain (in a good way). As you all know by now, I’m on a journey that I never thought I’d be on- a journey to being the WOMAN God created me to be. It actually started well over a year ago when someone said (in far nicer terms than this) that I was a cross dresser and sinning. That always kinda hung out in the back of my mind and ate away at me. Then when I was reading through Leviticus, I came across that same passage… and started actually thinking about it- wondering if I truly am sinning by wearing guys jeans and t-shirts… I finally came to the point that I wanted to want to wear women’s clothing. I’ve been trying to force myself to wear at least 1 item of chick clothing a day (which is very difficult as I have 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt that I kinda like and that isn’t wedding attire). I’ve even been wearing my hair down. I’m trying. At first I hated it and felt totally naked and… icky (I can’t think of a better word). The place that I’m at now though, is that I want to be comfortable in women’s clothing. That’s quite the jump if you ask me. Before it was wanting to want to… now it’s just to want to. Progress.
Tonight I shared (with breathing human beings) this as a prayer request. The prayer I received was not at all the way I expected it to be. Let me back up again here- I am the type of person that likes to fix things (hence mechanic). I’ve always seen myself as the knight in shining armor type. I want to be the hero. I want to be the person people call when they’re in trouble. I want to be that strong, brave, tough person who will sacrifice and fix things. That is who I am. I’ve been nervous on this journey that I’ll somehow lose that part of myself. That if I wear girl clothing that I will become weak and unable to be a hero (as I’m typing this, I’m realizing my next thing that I’ll have to work on is pride). Tonight turned much of that thinking on its head. I wish I could remember the prayer word for word because it so resonated with me. But in this prayer, she prayed that I have the courage to be vulnerable- because it takes vulnerability to be pretty and strength to stand up under that vulnerability. It really blew my mind. This idea of wearing women’s clothing is actually something that will take courage and strength. That appeals to that part of me that desires to be a hero.
So now rather than trying to think of myself as a knight in shining armor- I’ll start to think of myself as Wonder Woman. Besides her being pretty tough and destroying Nazis she’s still wicked feminine. I have no delusions that I’m some Amazonian with an invisible plane and bracelets that bounce off bullets- but I do have one thing Wonder Woman has- her lasso, the belt of Truth. This belt tells me that God loves me despite my flaws and constant screw ups. This belt also tells me to be strong and courageous. So that my friends, is what I will do.