as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I wore a shirt today.  That didn’t come out the way I meant it.  I wore a chick’s shirt today.  Still not quite right.  I wore a shirt out of my own closet that was purchased at a women’s clothing store.  Too wordy.  I’m not wearing a guy’s shirt today.  Good enough.  It feels… awkward… but not terrible.  I’m proud of myself for making the effort and not wussing out.  I’m proud for not changing as soon as I came home.  I can only imagine to all of you “normal dressers”, that you just don’t get why this is even a big deal for me.  Have you ever put on an outfit and just felt uncomfortable- whether it didn’t fit right, look right, it didn’t cover you correctly, or you just felt ugly in it?  That’s how women’s clothing feels to me.  It bothers me that I feel that way.  

So, I’ve got all that swimming up in my head tonight… and then I decide to dive back into the Word (mostly because my Netflix movie was so bad I turned it off within 18 minutes), and where am I at chronologically?  Romans.  Romans was of help to me a week ago.  Dead to sin, not my master, etc.  Well, not gonna lie, chapter 1 is leaving me with some pretty heavy questions.  Yes, we all have our struggles.  Some struggle with… I don’t know, what do people struggle with- pride, depression, lying, etc… but dealing with sexual crap… it just sucks.  Yesterday I was reading in one of the Corinthians about how sexual sin is the only sin that you sin against yourself.  Then today… maybe I’m just on edge… but verses 24-28 just kinda… started… making me think.   So, are those verses saying that I was being an idiot, so God left me and that’s why I became the person that I was… and even though I came to my senses (through His grace obviously), I’m still dealing with those repercussions?  
I know that I’m not gay.  I get that.  As a matter of fact, since I confessed and (then for whatever reason) shared it here, it’s gotten a little better.  There aren’t the secrets and the shame that stoke those fires anymore.  Maybe that’s why I’m so on edge about this.  I just want to wake up and feel like a girl.  I want to wake up and be the chick God designed me to be.  I want to wake up and not care what I wear, whether it’s girls jeans, cargo shorts, or some flowery shirt.  

Okay, so I kept reading chapter 1 over and over hoping to get the full context of what was being said- it wasn’t helping, so I went the other direction and kept on reading.  I finally got my “ah-hah” moment in chapter 7.  The heading in the NCV starting at verse 14 is “The War Within Us”.  Things are beginning to make sense.  Do I think I’ll wake up and want to wear pink tomorrow?  No.  Do I think that there’s a battle going on that I will win with God’s help and someday be cool with chick clothing?  Without a doubt.  

[disclaimer: my brain does not seem to be in tune with the rest of me.  Hence the frequent statement of “I know ___ “. ]


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