I wore a shirt today. That didn’t come out the way I meant it. I wore a chick’s shirt today. Still not quite right. I wore a shirt out of my own closet that was purchased at a women’s clothing store. Too wordy. I’m not wearing a guy’s shirt today. Good enough. It feels… awkward… but not terrible. I’m proud of myself for making the effort and not wussing out. I’m proud for not changing as soon as I came home. I can only imagine to all of you “normal dressers”, that you just don’t get why this is even a big deal for me. Have you ever put on an outfit and just felt uncomfortable- whether it didn’t fit right, look right, it didn’t cover you correctly, or you just felt ugly in it? That’s how women’s clothing feels to me. It bothers me that I feel that way.
So, I’ve got all that swimming up in my head tonight… and then I decide to dive back into the Word (mostly because my Netflix movie was so bad I turned it off within 18 minutes), and where am I at chronologically? Romans. Romans was of help to me a week ago. Dead to sin, not my master, etc. Well, not gonna lie, chapter 1 is leaving me with some pretty heavy questions. Yes, we all have our struggles. Some struggle with… I don’t know, what do people struggle with- pride, depression, lying, etc… but dealing with sexual crap… it just sucks. Yesterday I was reading in one of the Corinthians about how sexual sin is the only sin that you sin against yourself. Then today… maybe I’m just on edge… but verses 24-28 just kinda… started… making me think. So, are those verses saying that I was being an idiot, so God left me and that’s why I became the person that I was… and even though I came to my senses (through His grace obviously), I’m still dealing with those repercussions?
I know that I’m not gay. I get that. As a matter of fact, since I confessed and (then for whatever reason) shared it here, it’s gotten a little better. There aren’t the secrets and the shame that stoke those fires anymore. Maybe that’s why I’m so on edge about this. I just want to wake up and feel like a girl. I want to wake up and be the chick God designed me to be. I want to wake up and not care what I wear, whether it’s girls jeans, cargo shorts, or some flowery shirt.
Okay, so I kept reading chapter 1 over and over hoping to get the full context of what was being said- it wasn’t helping, so I went the other direction and kept on reading. I finally got my “ah-hah” moment in chapter 7. The heading in the NCV starting at verse 14 is “The War Within Us”. Things are beginning to make sense. Do I think I’ll wake up and want to wear pink tomorrow? No. Do I think that there’s a battle going on that I will win with God’s help and someday be cool with chick clothing? Without a doubt.
[disclaimer: my brain does not seem to be in tune with the rest of me. Hence the frequent statement of “I know ___ “. ]