This is by far my most open and honest piece yet. I’ve been contemplating if I should publish this or not. I sent it to a few people whom I love and trust. I’ve prayed about this. What I’ve concluded through all of that is this: I don’t need to post this to make it to the next level on my journey- but by doing so, it will be all the harder for me to look back. I don’t know if I’m truly ready for this, but I’m tired of believing lies and putting on a facade.
My Promised Land:
I’ve been struggling with my sexual identity for years- since I can truly remember. As a child, I wanted to be a boy. I wanted to be a mechanic, a pastor, a robber* (all professions that my mother said were for boys). I wanted to play the drums and the electric guitar. My mother allowed the clarinet (I faked asthma to get out of it- sorry about those unnecessary medical bills mom). I bought a guitar on my own. As punishment, I wasn’t allowed to buy an amp- so my first Fender was rather useless to me.
I hated wearing skirts and dresses and tights and pink. I wanted to wear jeans and t-shirts. I would love it on the days that I was allowed to wear my dad’s shirts. It felt far more comfortable than my own. By the time I was a sophomore in HS, I had figured out what size I was in guys jeans and predominantly shopped in the young men’s department. I wore Chuck Taylors and flannels (it was the 90’s). I felt comfortable- not necessarily with who I was, but with how well I was able to cover me up with clothing.
My clothing has not changed much since high school with the exception now I go for shoes with a tad more arch support. I’m still in guys jeans and t-shirts, flannels, and men’s sweaters. In the summer it’s cargo shorts and t-shirts. Even my shoes are mens- but that is partly because I have really big feet.
I’ve made huge strides as to who I was. I dated chicks (girls sounds to creepy and women too old which is also creepy)… That’s why I moved to CT- I got kicked out for that, so my sister said I could live with her as long as I went to church. Thankfully God did a work on me as I was driving from MA to CT and He lifted the veil that was blinding me to the Truth- that I was living in sin. I gave my life over to the Lord on the highway. I told Him that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than to be in a wrong relationship.
I know that God set me free from that lifestyle. But every once in awhile it pops back up. My mind will wander and it’s like the past decade never happened. But this decade DID happen. I have a deep relationship with God that transcends all this crap. I try every once in awhile to wear girl’s jeans, to wear a shirt that didn’t come from the guy’s department at Old Navy… but it feels so awkward. When I talk to God about these struggles… His response is always the same- “Well, you’re not gay.” The first time it was a HUGE revelation to me. I thought that I was gay, but was choosing to be single so that I could follow Jesus. But the TRUTH is that I never was gay- and that I just had a lot of issues with men that I was covering up. I still have to have God remind me of the Truth… and He’s always happy to.
So, I guess all this is to say that I know what my Promised Land is. The inheritance that God has for me on the horizon is being comfortable without guy’s clothing. It’s being comfortable with femininity. It’s being the WOMAN that God created me to be. It has nothing to do with lace and make up- but being in alignment with the Holy Spirit- even in girls jeans.