Not My Master
Written in 2 halves about 3 hours apart:
For so long I’ve lived in shame. I’ve wrapped myself up in it and it became part of me. Shame trumped just about every aspect of my life. Last night, I let go of it. Today I’m realizing that shame might have made me a far more agreeable person.
So, this layer of shame has come off- and it’s reavealing a really angry person. Maybe it’s because someone was late almost 3 hours to work. Maybe it’s because I got up at flippin’ 5am to go to the gym (and pulled some butt muscle during my 18 mile ride). Maybe it was just a crappy day at work that has me all angry and aggressive- but I think really what happened was that I don’t feel the need to protect all those broken dirty pieces of me any longer, so now I can begin to feel all the hurt that I’ve held on to for almost 2 decades… and it’s gotten me angry. I have the biggest urge to punch something… or someone.
So… I dealt with shame… now it looks like I’ve got to move on to anger. A girl can’t catch a freaking break.
I turned my overhead light off and turned on a low wattage lamp. I made a playlist entitled “JC Time”. I went to my car and got a pack of Kleenex. I found the 1 Bible (out of 7) that I wanted with me during this process. And I started talking to God about this- everything. I started naming the people that I was angry with and why. I then named Him. I yelled at Him. I blamed Him. I apologized. I then paused and felt led to go outside. What I saw was the moon- big and bright- hidden behind all these homes, it was still able to shed its light. Even with obstructions, God can still create light in darkness. He’s creating light from the darkest years of my life. So I went back inside and asked God to bless these people that I’m angry with. I then forgave them. As of right now, I truly want their lives to be good- I want them to have a close relationship with Jesus so they too can get freedom from this crap. Tomorrow I might have to go through the same process, but tonight… we’re good.
I still have some questions and confusion about some things… but it’s not anger anymore. I’m dealing with the main big ol’ root… and in time God will begin to deal with those smaller spider roots. For now I’ll stand on Romans 6 (Finally some New Testament action)- I have died to sin, so how can I live in it any longer? Sin is not my master. That includes anger, those little spider roots, and not forgiving to name a few.
*Root analogy courtesy of Elizabeth.