as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I will admit it, I have a tendency to freak out and assume to worst- but not even a realistic worst case scenario- but it seems totally possible at the time.  Most of these end with people not liking me.  That’s not a normal reaction.  I think it all stems from one root- shame.  

I am a shame-aholic.  I ooze the stuff.  Shame is usually the reason I make the decisions I make (not the mundane things- though clothing does fall under shame’s jurisdiction)- especially in the social arena.  I’m pretty sure shame is why it’s so hard for me to say yes to hanging out with people.  Shame is the reason that I have to keep my head down in the locker room at the gym (quite frankly, I wish some of those women had some shame).  

Yet, I had no idea this was true about me.  It wasn’t until I received an email about my big step that I’m trying to wuss out of taking- and she used the phrase “dethroning shame”.  Wow- I started thinking about all the junk in my life, all my sin, and how it all goes back to shame- and how I really have made it a god.  I’ve worshiped at the throne of shame.  I’ve given time and money to it.  I’ve wanted others to join (women at the gym who think it’s okay to strut around naked eww).  Shame is a religion.  

Shame is also a cycle.  See, I have shame about my past and my current sins.  This shame causes me to want to not confess- because I fear what others will think of me- and that would lead to public shame rather than my self imposed shame.  I’ve got to get out of this… but the only way to, is to confess… which could lead to judgement and humiliation… 

I have head knowledge that really what will happen is that I’ll be gaining freedom and dethroning shame.  I have that intellectual assent, but every other part of me is prepping for that worst case scenario.  I’m terrified.  I know I shouldn’t be… I know that this is the right thing… I know… but it doesn’t make it any easier.  


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