as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Putting Feet to Dreams

Last Sunday at Greenhouse was awesome- it was about dreams for this year.  What I want to say will be true of my life that I would be amazed at a year from now.  I shared one dream- of riding a bike across North Korea.  I have others- to be at my goal weight, to have a better paying job with better hours (so I can attend Greenhouse faithfully) to be in the process of learning Korean, to have deep friendships out here, to go on a date… these are some of my dreams.  

I made a decision to move on- to not be fine with the way my life is.  The question I have, is why did I decide that?  Was it one decision or a process?  I was talking with my sister today about how moving to Chicago has changed me.  Seven months ago I would not have thought my life would be like this.  I didn’t think that I would be so focused on reading the Bible.  I know it’s an awful thing for a youth leader to say… but it’s true.  I have an actual desire to read it.  I know that the last time I felt that way was when I was 24.  Here I am- 31 (that sounds so dirty) finally excited about what life can bring me.  

I’m not really sure what turned it around for me.  Maybe it was the Steeler’s win.  Maybe it’s the ice pack on my gut.  Maybe it’s joining a gym.  Maybe it’s even (yes, I’ll admit it) joining eharmony today.  Whatever it was… I feel… happy… content.  I can’t think of the last time I’ve truly been content.  Maybe the day 10 and a half years ago when I decided to follow Jesus…  

It can’t be the circumstances that cause me to feel this contentment- those are the by-products of my contentment (with the exception of the Steelers victory- that’s just gravy).  I had to choose to get up today and go to the bank to get the money to join the gym.  I had to choose to pull out my debit card and give eharmony a whirl.  The ice pack though- that’s just because I have awesome room mates.  

The Steelers could have lost, I could have not been a joiner today, I could not have an ice pack- and I’d still be just as excited about what tomorrow can hold.  Well… the ice pack really does help in the contentment factor, not gonna lie.  I’ve been so itchy… this is just heaven.  But still- you get the point.  

So, why eharmony?  Well… I haven’t dated anyone since I got saved (as previously stated that was 10.5 years ago).  The first few years were very intentional- I needed to give my all to God and to focus on Him, to grow in Him.  I felt as I had been so far gone that I needed to go the complete and opposite direction.  I remember saying that I was willing to be single for the rest of my life if it meant not sinning against Him again.  There are some days that I could kick myself for promising that to God- but in the end it’s true.  I’d rather be single than to be in a wrong relationship.  So, I went from one extreme to the other.  By the time I felt that I had healed enough to try to date… there weren’t any single guys at my church my age.  Well there was one.  That’s right.  ONE.  One single guy.   I’ve had friends try to see if they could play matchmaker for me.  They ask me what my “type” is.  As someone who hasn’t been on a date since February of 2000- I HAVE NO CLUE!!!!  So, I decided to go for it.  I’ve been putting myself out there in so many other ways… why not add this.  Even if nothing pans out- at least I tried.  If I won’t try, then nothing will happen, nothing will change.  

So why the gym?  It’s all about North Korea.  If I’m going to do this bike ride in September, I’ve got to get my butt in gear (literally)!  It’s too cold and snowy for me to ride my bike in Chicago, buying a trainer (one of those things that hold the back wheel of the bike to essentially turn it into an exercise bike) was about $100.  So… gotta figure out another way.  I found a cheap gym and signed up.  So, I’m pretty pumped that I’ll get to keep up the momentum I have going on with weight loss and getting healthy.  Shoot- dumping 70 pounds without working out… imagine what will happen now?  Plus, I remember that when I was working out regularly, I felt closer to God- I was disciplined to get up early and go to the gym- which kept me disciplined in other areas of my life.  Not to mention the fact that getting healthier/losing weight will also increase activity on the social front…

I feel like I’ve greatly digressed from my original intent.  I guess what it all comes down to is choice.  I’m choosing to make a better life for myself this year.  I’m choosing to follow the dreams that the Lord has placed on my heart.  I’m going to go for it- I’m willing to fail.  I’d rather fail at the attempt of a dream than just be a sad sack that never tried but always wondered about it.  I’ve done that too long- and I’m not going to do that again.  

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