as I walk

the journey to becoming me

The battle

Wow, two posts in one day…

I started off my day lonely and transparent and ended it with people (most of whom I had never met) having fun and being myself.  There was a battle somewhere in between.  I lost a couple of the fights, but I believe I won in the end.  

Almost instantly after posting my previous post (A Morning Hug) I regretted it.  Part of me wanted to take it back, but I put on my “logic cap” and realized that nothing terrible could come from it and just let it be.  I got a comment on it not that much later with an offer of a hug.  That was one of the strangest feelings I’ve had in awhile- it was a mix of warmth and terror.  I put myself out there and she did too.  Was it genuine or out of pity?  Am I just a wounded cat that someone will take in until I pee on the rug and am back on the streets?  So rather than respond, I figured I’d ignore it.  If she really wanted to hug me, she would without a response from me.  Right?  

The second fight was fairly similar.  What I can’t believe is how much I truly sabotage myself.  I was invited out tonight by my wonderful room mate.  Before I even truly processed the invitation I found myself saying no, physically taking a step back, and coming up with some lame excuse as to why I wouldn’t go.  I had literally written my previous post about 4 hours prior… and there I was secluding myself.  What is wrong with me?  On my way to church I kept thinking about it.  Really regretting the decision to say no.  

The third fight was almost identical to the previous one.  I was asked what I was doing after church.  The lovely conversationalist that I am with all the pointers of my best friend replied “going home”.  Really Marissa?  Really?  You didn’t even want to make it a full sentence???  I disgust myself at times.  However, all was not lost, she didn’t miss a beat and invited me over to watch a movie with a few other people.  As I opened my mouth to say my traditional “no” a strange noise came out of my mouth.  I hadn’t heard it in quite some time.  It started with an odd sound, like the beginning of the word you and ended with an es.  I said yes.  It wasn’t because this offer was more appealing- I just was starting to get into the right place emotionally.  

As a self saboteur, one should come to expect the next fight- the internal “did you just say yes?” fight.  This one as stated was internal, hopefully no one saw the little wrestling match where I was trying to pin myself to the ground and run away without going over to someone’s house.  Thankfully, I lost that fight- which really means that I won.  I don’t know if this paragraph makes much sense… but it was an important one for me.  

Then there’s the big one- the God fight.  I’m good at barriers.  I’m good at facades.  I have quite the skill set.   I found myself hiding behind the laptop that I was running for projection at church.  Now, I did let the sermon sink in.  Holy cow, God orchestrated that one.  God knew just where I’d be today.  He knew that this was my one Sunday off and that I was scheduled for projection so I’d be there.  He knew what Hana was going to speak on.  He knew that I needed that so very much.  But once the sermon’s over and it’s time for worship, it’s far easier to hide behind pressing the next button than to spend time with God.  Someone offered to fill in for me so I could get up and take communion and worship.  I declined with some lame excuse per usual.  I was pushing through, doing my duty.  Then God went in for the kill.  The call was given for someone who was having stomach pain to receive prayer.  Really God?  Really?  Was I the ONLY person you were thinking about today?  So I got up, and asked for prayer.  
I’m used to a certain way of praying- you pray for the person hand on shoulder say amen and hope for the best.  This… was not that kind of prayer.  It was… but it wasn’t…  I love this about the Vineyard.  They pray for the person, ask them what they’re thinking, feeling, etc… and keep praying until something happens.  The third go at this prayer hit such a nerve I cried- not tears coming down (they already were) kind of crying but weeping (and definitely needing some major kleenex).  It was about having community around me during this struggle.  It was so right on that just thinking about it now, I’m holding back the tears and wondering if I have any kleenex in my bedroom.  I released and started to give this struggle, this brokenness, this longing to God.  
After prayer and after cleaning myself up I went to take back over the projection- and was told no- that I had to worship.  Ugh.  There’s only so much a girl can take in a day.  Apparently I hadn’t hit that point though I felt like I was light-years beyond it.  So I went up to worship.  I stood in front of a support pole.  I told you that I like barriers.  As I was there, I had that visual of Pushing Daisies and the plastic wrap again.  I’ve been keeping my distance from God.  In that moment, God gave me so many epiphanies (one of which being that a barrier doesn’t really work with God as He’s still able to reveal things to me even with a pole in between me and the worship leader).  Perhaps I’ll share some of those later.  

So those were my fights and struggles today.   Some of them turned out good anyway -I did get a hug today other than an overpriced coffee and I had a fun evening making (dare I be so bold as to say it) friends.  Some people make New Year’s resolutions.  I don’t.  That’s never been my thing- almost all resolutions are broken come February.  There’s too much pressure to it.. and I never feel creative enough with them.  So rather, I’m going to make an “old year’s resolution”.  I’m going to try to say yes.  I’m going to try to spend time with people.  I’m going to stop hiding behind responsibilities, poles, and coffee.  I’m going to put myself out there.  At least until the year is done.  Two weeks of that will be challenging, but I truly believe that the reward will far outweigh the risks.  

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